three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
