the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize