Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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