I just saw a hot homeless man
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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