So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
