you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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