And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
