this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
