i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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