I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
