Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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