I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize