onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
