U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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