meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
