my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
