im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
