why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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