He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
