i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize