Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
