1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
