why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
