I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
