He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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