We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
