There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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