im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
