New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
