I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
