Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
