i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize