All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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