did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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