Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
