how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
