I cannot find my penis.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
