First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
