shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
