You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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