Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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