So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
