And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
