I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Is Oprah even human
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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