Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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