my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
