Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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