I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
