You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
