your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
