it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
