best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
