Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
