I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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