Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
