U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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