Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
