u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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