am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
