i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
