is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
