yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have fence marks all over my body
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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