Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize