but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
