I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
