he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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