We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
