If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize