I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
