just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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