Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
