I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
