I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
