I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
