a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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