Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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